Losing Everything

This has to be the lowest of the low. At this point, death seems like a better option than surviving the next few days. How do you pick up the pieces when everything you love is taken away? Is there even an answer to that question? If anything, it's probably something like "You don't, you just move on and start building something new", or some shit like that. I have always been a cynical skeptic. But for the last 4 years, that side of me went into a quiet dormant state. It didn't matter anymore, because I was happy and in love. Now, when everything is gone, the painful awakening of my pessimistic past is more than I can take. My cat is the only person that likes me, and he's not even a person. How fucked up is that?

I feel like I was stupid to allow myself to get this deep into something I knew couldn't exist. Rules are a lot like plans. They were made to be broken. I should have never let this happen to myself. Fuck this shit.

Honey I've been thinkin' 'bout you...

2 more days until he gets back. Just the thought of having to exist for another 48 hours without him makes my skin crawl. I guess I should be happier... and don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic. I'm just impatient. And nervous. What if he comes different than he was before? What if he's not excited to see me? Well, if the latter is true then there really is no hope in the world... at least for me. I mean, I have literally been thinking about our reunion since the day he left. It's the last thought on my mind before I fall asleep, and the first thought on my mind when I wake up. I can't escape it. I'm afraid that I've hyped it up too much... and that when he sees me he will only be mildly content... whereas I will be a blubbering hot mess.

Then again, I do shit like this all the time. I doubt myself. I know that he loves me, but it's just been so long since I've seen him that I almost don't know what to expect when I pick him up on Saturday. Hopefully there are no surprises when I tackle him out of excitement :)

I just want him to be as happy as I am when meet (and believe me, that is no easy task). For now, I guess I should get back to work, and try and distract my mind with sad music, general education requirements, and maybe even some postcards. After all, 2 days is nothing... especially after already waiting 26...

three words that became hard to say: i and love and you

Ten Thousand Words

Ten thousand words swarm around my head
Ten million more in books written beneath my bed
I wrote or read them all when searchin’ in the swarms
Still can’t find out how to hold my hands

And I know you need me in the next room over
But I am stuck in here all paralyzed
For months I got myself in ruts
Too much time spent in mirrors framed in yellow walls

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

And everyone around me shakes their head in disbelief
And says I’m too caught up
They say young is good and old is fine
And truth is cool but all that matters
Is that you have your good times
But their good times come with prices
And I can’t believe it when I hear the jokes they make
At anyone’s expense except their own
Would they laugh if they knew who paid?

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

And after we are through ten years
of making it to be the most of glorious debuts
I’ll come back home without my things
‘Cause the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you
And they’ll be quick to point out our shortcomings
And how the experts all have had their doubts

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

I and Love and You album = My life At This Moment.

If Bob Dylan and John Denver had sex, the Avett Brothers would be their musical genius babies.

I wanna Fight to get it back again...

So I had the awesome experience of going home this last weekend and it actually wasn't too bad. I saw some friends that I hardly ever see, got my oil changed, bought the new Pearl Jam album and saw the fam. I missed Joey though because he was gone sluttin around with the ruby team... sheesh.

But while I was home, I feel like I realized a lot about life. Yeah it sounds dumb as shit, but its the truth. When I was catching up with my friends, we talked a lot about the people we graduated with and what their doing with their lives. Well, I'll be damned if most of them aren't already married with a kid and another one on the way. I mean, I am excited as the next person to get married and start my 'adult life'. BUT- I am way more excited to still be an immature kid. I have everything I want right now... I have great roommates, great friends, I'm going to an awesome school, and last and most importantly, I love & am loved by Joey. If I had to give everything up except for one of these, I would stick with Joey. I made this decision based on pure logic. I mean, he'll be a great roommate (he pretty much already is), and he is my best friend. I get the whole shebang in one choice. It rocks.

But I digress... my point is, why is everyone in such a hurry to grow up? If anything I am being dragged kicking and screaming into adulthood. Yes, I want to marry Joey and have babies some day... but that's sure as hell not within the next 3 or 4 years. We have soooooooo much time to settle down in a boring job somewhere in the suburbs and get married and have a few brats of our own. Why would I want to waste the best years of my life doing that? I'll give my kids my semi young years... that way I'll still be the hot mom and at the same time, I'll have done all the important stuff when I was still good looking. Yep, I'm vain as all get out.

It is scary to think that some of my best friends from high school are that ahead of the game. We were kids together, and now their all 'growed' up. Weird shit.

Anyways, enough of that. The quote of the weekend by far was when my dad said that 'if tattoos were meant to be on our bodies, then god would have put them there', then my liberal uncle countered with 'shane, god doesn't have a tattoo gun'. Good times.

My liver is on life support

A poem to describe my weekend...

A friend, a deal
some cash to kill

watermelon, and some light
memories fading, hazy night

grape smoke and red cups
tears for a glass that I once loved

bathroom floors and best friends,
asleep and then awake again

kisses from a boy named joe
spinning room, the time is slow

bright & early, porcelain pain
hair held back, forgetting my name

hashbrowns start the harsh new day
couch instead of football game

redbox rentals and high heels
foot fetishes, and huckleberry meals

tacos on this football sunday,
study study for test on hump day...

I laugh constantly when I am with these people...

sam. we've only known each other a month, but already we've had so many kick ass times... using boats as bathrooms, the tenth kingdom (suck an elf), muslim extremists, drunken pizza (oh the things hungry drunk girls will do for food), and cemetary stealth walks.

JS. the love of my life. when I think of JS, I think of ... first love, the lake, snowboarding, english accents, soccer, and my future.

Oz. One of my roommates and best buds. Things that remind me of austin: venus razor commercials, whiskey, popcorn fights, stolen beds, and the seacocks (yeah, I spelled that right).

Brett Gilbert Thompson. This picture pretty much says it all. Also one of my roommates and best friends. Brett= gambling, nike slut, the next tiger woods, bad hair cuts, and shot championship. Thatta kid.

the velevet underground is my basement

today=



sleepy eyes



true love on my futon



hot water



adding some roo to my do



handsome man in uniform



rocks for jocks



luster, cleavage, and a little bit of moh



lying to an indian woman



$2.75



turkey sandwhiches for a friend & I



swedish stranger



cries from a goat